We cannot project our own desires onto another and expect that they will become such. This is what I call romancing, fantasizing. If two people marry or legitimize a relationship based on just merely the romantic affiliation, eventually the relationship turns into one of mere resignation and separateness. Why? Because disappointment arises in the wake of the reality. Reality that the personality of one another does not meet with our projected ideals and never will. Consequently, we begin the dance of separating at that point. How? Well, it’s very nasty, are you sure you want to know? By nit-picking. By exaggerating the faults of one another. We point out that each other does not meet our expectation of the ideal partner. Eventually, this will lead one, if not both to such a dissatisfaction that one, or both now begin to seek the way out, or worse, worse I say, usually one will choose resignation. One will succumb to the revulsion felt deep within. I have seen both live with that revulsion about one another and live it out, thirty, forty, or more years, yes indeed, yah.
It is true that we must build our relationships from a sound foundation. However, that foundation that I’m referring to must be one of first, first a self-awareness. In that, there is an acceptance of one’s own nature. I’m not saying you need to be enlightened. But, you need to know your faults, and you need to have befriended, if that’s all right to use, them at some level. We must be willing to compromise in all of our relationships. I don’t say compromise your integrity, but I did say, compromise where there are limitations. Because we are able to recognize our own limitations, therefore, we can more readily accept the faults in another in any relationship. There will always be difficulty in any relationship, simply because there are two unique individuals. However, what we find difficult to accept in another can be our greatest teacher because what we find difficult in another, helps to point out for us, where perhaps we have limitations, emotional blocks. Wherever there is resistance we must be willing to focus and find our own inner weakness. Perhaps the uncomfortableness or the frustrations that we confront repeatedly are simply begging us for our attention, so that we can grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually through our own developmental process, beyond our own stagnation. Don’t hear me wrong. Not all relationships can last, I will say, through the faults, and I will even go so far to say to you, not all relationships should. If there are severe deviance, terrible perversions, deep distortions that are difficult to overcome, this may be a difficult place for the other to remain in, through change. I will even go so far as to tell you that some may never change, and perhaps the other should not live in this way. Both individuals need to ask the question, “What is it that I can learn from this particular situation?” Then shut up, that’s right, just shut up and listen. If, if we listen to our inner voice, oftentimes tiny insights will begin to emerge. This process can eventually free us of the limitations that we may otherwise never have seen, if the situation that we’re in had not repeatedly occurred. Do you follow me? Many times, unfortunately, in the course of counseling, so many couples over the years I find that the female is seeking and willing to change, and the male is stuck in the insisting limitation of not seeing the problem. We must be willing to surrender to the forces of transformation, period. To do this, to willingly transform our limitations, the relationship that we are in must be one, must be one of love, one of trust, recognition, acceptance, strength, attentiveness to one’s individual self, and to each other. We must have the knowledge of our personal, and the others virtues. We must have willingness to renounce our faults. Most importantly of all, the persons must be willing to break free of associating relationships with attachments, and they must develop detachment.